10 Ways of Knowing Fred

10 Ways of Knowing Fred

Anyone that knows Fred knows that he nearly always follows everything through to completion.  However, life (and fixation on a Party Bus, probably) has prevented Fred from completing his 30 mini-blogs.  So his friends (at time of post) decided to finish it for him, with 10 mini-blogs on Fred.  After all, what better way to cap off 20 of the most self-indulgent mini-blogs ever???

 1.  Fred the Poker Player: Brainpan

Fred after an average night of gambling. In his mind.

              I first met Fred when he was an undergraduate at Rutgers and I was a grad student.  He walked into a lab meeting and didn't say much.  At least I didn't notice him saying much, maybe he just said all sorts of uninteresting things.  Eventually I found out he played poker and it was then that he became interesting.  We became friends that way, and through watching Fred play poker I've generally learned a lot more about Fred than I have about poker.  That's not to say he's a bad poker player, even though he most certainly is.  But what I mean right now is that certain character traits become amplified when he plays.

             Fred's play at the poker table is in many ways similar to his approach to life, at least the approach I see.  He tends to sit down at the table formally.  He neatly stacks his chips.  He prepares for war.  You can see him visibly justifying each of his actions both to himself and to the rest of the table.  He furrows his brow when it seems questionable.  Sometimes he does that on purpose to make you think it's questionable.  He's aware of all of this and he's aware of most of the table's actions as well.  Most importantly, though, he expects to win.  And he expects to win quickly, and precipitously, and he'll take calculated risks to get there.  Most people are happy with a win rate of a few big blinds per hour.  Fred expects to win a buy-in every couple hours.  The crazy thing is, he often does.  Just look at his job.  Or his wife.  Or his house.  What, you thought we were still talking poker?

2.  Fred the Sports Fan: Brainpan

Just another casualty from the Baseball Incident of 2008.

              Others on this blog might have seen Fred deal with more sporting events than I have.  I've heard the stories of broken cell phones and I'll leave that to them if they so choose.  Instead, I have seen another side of Fred as a sports fan, which can best be described as Spock if Spock was a terrible, terrible Vulcan.  Fred doesn't just cheer for a sports team, he memorizes it.  That includes all manner of history like statistics, names, numbers, dates when something happened, injuries, draft placements, college tenures, and the list goes on ad nauseum.  He can trace two teams back-stories to that one moment in time when they butt heads and understand all of the in's and outs.  He can play the scenario out in his head and have a pretty good idea of who will, or at least who should, come out on top.  This is all leading up to the game, total Spock-like clarity of thought and rational judgment.

              Then comes game-time.  Eli throws a pick.  Mo blows a save.  Manning-face.  Sagging head and shoulders.  Or maybe it's just that the Giants ran right but Spock saw left-side weakness.  Maybe Joba Chamberlain hung a curve that wasn't smashed over the fences but definitely showed he didn't have his stuff.  Does it matter to Spock?  Nope, because Spock is a terrible, terrible Vulcan, and the rage is unable to be contained.  It smashes through to the surface, but to his credit, it often comes out in short bursts at first, sometimes batted back down by beer.  It takes a lot for that cell phone to launch.  But it does, or so I've heard.

             Interesting, though, is that this also happens when he's part of the team.  In softball Fred is very hard on himself (and I'd assume the rest of the team, though he does well to hide it).  It makes me really want to see Fred coach his kids someday.  Or fear it.  Well, both, really.

3. Fred the Competitor: Scott

Fred is not above competing against weak, defenseless children.

I once cohabitated with Fred. During that time, and in the subsequent medically-mandated psychotherapy sessions that followed, I've learned that he is an incredibly competitive individual, but not in the typical sense. Most folks who are competitive are desperately trying to feel better than others -- they are jerks who take every opportunity to brag about their accomplishments because they are deeply insecure about themselves, and their competitiveness is a vain attempt to impress an imposing family member, like an estranged father figure or a cruel mistress.

And while that describes Fred freakishly well, the difference is that he almost exclusively competes against himself. His competitive weaponry is pointed inwards, rather than at some defenseless bystander, like a child or a kitten. Case in point: we took a class together, and due to our friendship and our desire to avoid a bloodbath, we had an unspoken rule that we would not divulge test scores to one another. Well, at one point we broke that rule, and it turned out that I did better than he did. Fred was furious, but instead of being angry with me, he was angry at himself. And the test. And the teacher. And Obama. But most of all, himself. Needless to say, he never let that happen again.

Fred's competitiveness is like a superpower, but instead of using it for evil, he uses it for good. Not "good" in the "Superman Saves The Day" sense, but "good" as it pertains to the Frediverse. Which is a universe absolutely riddled with Peanut Butter Cups.

Fred: THIS COULD BE US!

4. Fred the Hobbyist: Scott

I've spent literally several seconds wracking my brain, and I cannot think of a single time Fred has uttered the words, "No, I don't want to do that, it sounds boring." Fred collects hobbies the way one might collect Pokemon, and strangely he doesn't get bored of them after a few days like most people. Instead, he studies and scrutinizes his hobbies, he listens to the enthusiasts, and he learns in an attempt to master. In my time, I have seen him take up guitar-playing, fish-keeping, poker-betting, cigar-smoking, cruise-ship-riding, golf-club-swinging, beer-making-and-drinking-and-also-wine-sometimes, gun-shooting, sports-watching-and-analyzing-and-yelling, advanced-shrubbery-and-yard-caring-for, dog-having, and obsessive-market-research-analyzing-that-I-barely-understand-but-try-to-keep-up-with.

This is probably related to his competitive side. If butterfly-collecting ever catches his interest, you can be sure he will immediately buy a book written by the world champion of lepidoptery, and his house will be full of butterflies in a week. Did you know there is a National Model Railroad Association? The next NMRA convention is next July in Cleveland, and I bet we could blow those nerds out of the water with a kick-ass layout! Also, have you heard about radiosport? It's a competition for ham radio operators. How hard do you think it could be to win one of those things? NOT HARD AT ALL!

Luckily, as a bystander, I can use Fred as a test case. If I ever want to check out a new hobby, but I'm not sure if I'd like it, I can quietly suggest to him that it might be cool to engage in amateur astronomy or local politics, and see what he does. I realize that this process of peer-pressuring him into extraneous activities for my own amusement might bankrupt him -- but at the same time, I kinda want to know if it'd be fun to get my pilot's license.

5. Fred the Lover: April

Artist's depiction of Fred preparing for the act of lovemaking.

HA yeah. Like I’m going to share that.

6. Fred the Analyst: April

As always, relevant XKCD.

This may sound similar to some of his attributes described above (being competitive, a sports fan, minion of Gamblor, etc.), but in the 8 years and counting that I’ve been with Fred (in the biblical sense, giggity), I have observed that he is a true researcher at heart. Of course he did research as part of his scholarly pursuits, and is currently even making a living at it--however, it’s the research into things that others may find mundane or unnecessary that are truly unique to the enigma that is Fred.

Take for example: wedding planning. See, this is what happens when you invite a chick to guest post. I’m not going to get into colors and fabric swatches and other things you might care to look up on the Knot. Instead, I’ll share the incredibly awesome way in which Fred decided that we should approach looking at potential venues. With research! He created a fantastic 6-point Likert scale for a variety of attributes that we found to be important to us. These included such areas of interest as the cost (not only the total cost but also the perceived value of what was offered with the cost), desirability of location, customer service, etc. Naturally, there was also space provided for each of us to provide qualitative measures as well, since sticking just to quantitative may be just a bit too technical and cold.

We took these sheets with us to each of the venues that we visited, dutifully filled them out in the car afterward, and then shared our findings. And in the end when we picked our chosen venue, it not only “felt right” in the gut, but it also scored highly on those carefully created Likert scales. So of course, we could both feel confident in our decision and Fred could inject something typically smoopy and feminine with just the right amount of scientific sensibility. 

7. Fred the Roomate: Patently Jersey

Editor's note: Never, EVER, Google image "hairy guy in boxers."

Most of the posters on this blog have lived with Fred at one point or another in these short three decades he has had on this planet.  I had the good fortune of living of him in college, you know, back when he was good.  It was an incredibly good year, that consisted of me trying to lure him to frat parties, and us trying to score beer.  I learned a few things about Fred during that year.  One, he likes his meat, and he likes it plentiful.  He prefers sausages made on the Foreman Grill, made in the basement.  Two, he may be the inspiration for the Wookie race from Star Wars.  Truly, I know no one that is hairier than Fred, and he frequently strolled the apartment in just his boxers.  That image haunts my dreams.  Fortunately he found the wonderfully accepting Angel that is April, who not only tolerates his furriness, but finds it endearing.  Third, this is when his poker obsession started, but he had to wait a few months into the year before he could go gambling.  Lastly, I will never bunk my beds with anyone ever again. 

8. Fred the Giver: Patently Jersey

Fred is a great family member and friend, and on top of that, he is a giver.  Referencing back to when we were roommates there were two incidents I would like to cite to, the first of which was within the first few weeks.  I had returned from a rush event at the frat that Fred had turned down my invitation to (you vagina), it was Around the World.  The event consists of going room to room in the frat, with different alcoholic drinks/shots in each room.  After I went around the world twice, I found myself with a bottle of Everclear in my hand, and ended up taking 5 shots of it before stumbling home.  What I suffered from the next day, could only be described as an epic hangover.  There was no urge to vomit (unfortunately I think this would have helped), but my head and my HEART were both pounding, I thought my heart was going to explode.  Fred spent the day at the dorm, in the event I needed to go to the hospital for alcohol poisoning.  Said hangover lasted until about 9pm.

Round 2 in life with Fred.  I realize that we are going for brevity here, so I will make this tidbit shorter.  I was

Where Santa Babies come from?

seeing a girl in the spring, that left me (unintentionally) with the worst case of blue balls ever.  I told Fred I needed the dorm for a while to deal with my problem, I waived my embargo on his smoking cigarettes, and he dared on return until I called him to tell him “all clear”.  Thank you for that.  On a similar note, last year I began dating my girlfriend shortly before we all went down to AC to gamble.  While there were 4-5 couples down there, and 2 rooms, Fred arranged for she and I to have a room to ourselves, knowing that we both lived at home with our parents.  Man was that ever appreciated.  Also, we want to know what happened to that Santa hat we left behind?

Fred is also no stranger to giving the occasional handy and ZJs… what a giver!

9. Fred the Athlete: Ryan Stevens, guest blogger

Fred: Lucy not included (or necessary)

    
It all started at "Roll Bowl". This is where I first witnessed Fred's unmatched quickness, unparalleled plyometric abilities, and uncanny mix of agility and speed. Wait...I think that was the other way around. That is what Fred thought of me. Well, he did catch a few passes, when they were in prevent defense. Mostly 5 yard hook patterns. But, you can be damn sure he recognized that prevent defense, and knew that the soft spot in it was 5 yards up the seam. The man knows sports and the man knows pattern recognition. As I reflect back on Fred the Athlete, I now see the underlying problem. It's not that Fred was a "showstopper" on the football field. It wasn't that Fred won the triple crown in his slow-pitch softball league. It isn't his left-handed-from-the-windup fastball clocking in at 53 mph. Or even that Fred's 1997 little league baseball card shows a striking resemblance to Greg Minton holding a bat like Felix Millan (insert pictures). It's that he wasn't training properly for any of these events. (If Fred had hired me at age 12, HE'D be the current New York Yankee always getting in trouble with steroids...) Let's reference back to Scott in #3 and #4, and let's tie in Fred's internal competition and success in hobbies. Let's talk about Fred's most athletic hobby he's ever taken up - running. True, anybody can "run". But to run at Fred's level, you have to be an athlete. He's become a modern-day Forrest Gump. I have deep admiration for how much Fred continues to improve - and dominate - his race running, from 5K's to marathons (and by that I am not referencing April in #5). He has the perfect mindset of a successful runner: superb internal motivation, consistent preparation, and a total disregard for leg pain. Now if only he shaved his body to become more aerodynamic, he'd be capable of sub-4:00 miles. He truly does succeed at >87.6% of all he attempts when he puts his mind to it. If he doesn't succeed, he knows exactly why he didn't and what beyond-his-control factors led to him not. So, here's my bold prediction: Fred will win the 2053 World Masters Athlete Decathlon, coached by me. He will put his mind to it, and with the proper guidance, he will dominate.

10.  Fred the Most Interesting Man in the World: Ryan Stevens, guest blogger 

See also #5

- His lawn is more finely manicured than Katie Morgan’s “lawn”.

- His cereal never gets soggy. It sits there, staying crispy, just for him.

- His analytic thinking is envied by Stephen Hawking. As is his posture.

- His body hair is insured for more money than Heidi Klum’s legs

- He is single-handedly responsible for every successful marketing campaign carried out in the last 7 years.

Disclaimer: results not typical.

- He owns his own lawfirm: Fredjarvis Brown-Anus. They never lose a case.

- He once won World Series of Poker using Uno cards.

- Bigfoot tries to get pictures of him.

- Right Said Fred named their band after him, as a tribute.

- Meta World Peace asked him for permission before changing his name. So did He Hate Me. God Shammgod did not. 

- He is still a Giants fan. 

He is, the most interesting man in the world. Fred: "I don't always drink beer. Wait, yes I do. And when I do, I don't drink crap."

Ka-Chow!

Fred, congrats on staying alive for 30 years.  Let's hope you can keep going!!  Happy birthday!!!