Driving is weird, from a social perspective. We're all around each other, but we're really not, being individually surrounded by thousands of pounds of life-protecting armor. We can't communicate with each other, but really we can, because we have horns and two functioning middle fingers. And we don't know each other, but really we do, because we make snap judgments about other drivers that, more likely than chance, at least, are correct.
This post enumerates only seven different kinds of drivers you might encounter on the road, which I've decided to classify based on overall driving tendencies/patterns as well as the type(s) of cars most likely to exhibit the driving pattern. Other taxonomies might look at factors such as gender, ethnicity, and/or socioeconomic status, but I'm not enough of an asshole to start that particular flame war, so I'll leave those factors out (pretty much) completely.
Regardless, I'm sure the list presented here is incomplete. One could easily break this list down to twenty (or more) additional types of drivers, if they really wanted to spend the time. Maybe I'll write another post about this one day, with additional types of drivers. That said, I'd be interested to hear who/what I left out, because only through greater understanding of the types of drivers that are out there can we better make fun of other drivers on the road.
Let's get started:
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Driver #1: The Left-Lane Hog
Vehicles Associated with Left-Lane Hogging: Old, dented Subarus with Pennsylvania license plates (or Michigan, or Florida, etc.)
This driver is going to make a left-hand turn EVENTUALLY, dammit, and if you have the patience to wait behind them while they lag behind the traffic to their right, you'll see it happen at some point. New Jersey drivers have a particular idiosyncrasy about the left lane being for passing only, but that aside, it is undeniably dangerous to hog the left lane when not passing the cars to their right. Why? Because other drivers are flawed, and on top of this can be super-aggressive assholes, and will pass you on the right - one of the most dangerous moves to make on the highway.
These left-lane hogging drivers may be motivated by some combination of (a) intense fear of doing the correct thing, which is coasting in the right lane, entering the left lane a mere half-mile or so before making their left turn, and then successfully executing their left turn; and/or (b) a pervasive attitude I like to call "speed fascism" (this is the opposite of "speed libertarianism," something I'll let simmer for right now and elucidate a bit later in the post). Either way, the only defense for a Left-Lane Hog is to either be the next type of driver, or have enough gamesmanship in you to allow the next type of driver to tailgate the Left-Lane Hog while you wait for your opportunity to strike.
Driver #2: The Small, Swinging Dick
Vehicles Associated with The Small, Swinging Dick: Relatively new, American-made pick-up truck (like a Dodge Ram) with top-level trim and modified large wheels, replete with some combination of overt patriotism and/or social conservatism on display via bumper sticker
Motivated by an intense, constant need to prove their masculinity, this driver will do anything possible within the rules (and often outside the rules) of the road to show they are in charge. Miserably under-employed and perpetually angry at THAT LIBRUL PRESEDENT for their ill fortune at life, yet somehow capable of affording a $600 monthly payment on a $50,000 piece of Hemi-powered machinery, these drivers don't really drive with a game plan exclusive of GITTIN 'ER DUN.
And by GITTIN 'ER DUN, I mean you git out of their way before they start ridin' your ass! These drivers are noted for their incessant tailgating, which can be followed by the lead car shifting to the right lane and this type of car slowing down. It's not that they want to go fast, per se, it's just that they hate that you're there in front of them (especially if your car wasn't built in AMURRICA). The (only) nice thing about this type of driver is that they are exploitable - as I alluded to earlier, a cognizant driver can let The Small, Swinging Dick tailgate the Left-Lane Hog to their advantage. Just be prepared to pass two cars in a zig-zag, slalom fashion (which may not be the safest move in the world, but hey, YOLO, right?).
Driver #3: The Wealthier-Than-Thou
Vehicles Associated with The Wealthier-Than-Thou: German-made luxury sedans, SUVs, and convertibles, often proudly displaying one's educational pedigree (bonus points for a boarding school in addition to an accredited four-year undergraduate institution)
Unpredictable by nature, the self-aware driver can nonetheless advantageously pass the Wealthier-Than-Thou driver by waiting for their nanny/au pair/cleaning service to beep into their existing cell phone conversation, distracting them even further - or alternatively, wait for them to fuel up on gas and recursively connect their car battery, setting a car fire a la "Breaking Bad".
Driver #4: The Senior Citizen
Vehicles Associated with The Senior Citizen: The last car they will ever buy. Make and model matter less than age - if it's an old car (preferably a large one), you know what you're dealing with here
Included here for the purposes of completeness rather than illuminating something new, The Senior Citizen mostly keeps to themselves in the right lane, self-aware of their declining skill set and terrified of the increasing aggressiveness of those young whippersnappers out there. They're easy enough for the other types of drivers to deal with, so there's not much instructional material here.
But there is a nice Jerry Seinfeld joke about elderly drivers I'll paraphrase here: people should be allowed to drive their age. If you're 86 years old, you should be allowed to go 86 mph on the highway - and they should, because they should be rushing, as they don't have much time left.
Driver #5: The Speed Libertarian
Vehicles Associated with The Speed Libertarian: Varied, but have in common the ability to go fast if needed
I'm a fan of the Speed Libertarian, and I don't have much negative to say about them, as I fancy myself this type of driver. I alluded to the "speed fascist" vs. "speed libertarian" dualism earlier in this post, and I'd like to clarify it a bit here. A speed fascist sees the speed limit on a given road as an absolute force, a number never to be violated by more than a certain amount. They drive exactly the same as a speed libertarian in terms of technique, but if the speed limit is 55 mph, you'll never see them go over 65 mph (as but a single example). This may be due to an extreme fear of getting pulled over for speeding, or personal discomfort about the possibility of an accident if they were to go too fast. I think basically, speed fascism (like actual fascism) is driven by fear of an authoritarian state.
Speed libertarians, on the other hand, see speed as a relative variable and better understand that (for instance) if you're in the left lane, the proper speed to be driving is 5 mph faster than the person to the right of you, irrespective of the actual speed of the person to the right of you. If a speed libertarian is uncomfortable with the speed of the car to the right of them, insofar as they'd prefer not to drive faster than that individual, they change lanes to the right and travel behind that person. Speed libertarians are, at the end of the day, probably incrementally more likely to get pulled over for speeding than speed fascists - sometimes they fall into traps where they do go too fast. But they rest assured that police officers generally look at speed relative to the flow of traffic when deciding to do so, so they drive in a more fluid stylistic fashion.
Speed libertarians are better drivers than speed fascists, in my opinion, though speed fascists may be somewhat safer (I'll leave the definition of "safe" open on purpose).
Driver #6: The "I'm Terrified To Be Driving" Driver
Vehicles Associated with the "I'm Terrified To Be Driving" Driver: Older, economy cars, for the most part - sometimes minivans, too
We all remember what it's like to be a new driver, but if we remembered it too well, it'd probably drive us insane and/or give us the yips. Being on the highway as a new driver is absolutely terrifying, which is a main reason why we have learner's permits which require new drivers to travel with a licensed companion (and only at certain times of the day). I am not talking here about new drivers, because I completely empathize with them and would never make fun of a person for learning a new skill. I don't know about you, but whenever I see "Student Driver" on a car, I give them a wide-as-hell berth, because I remember being 16 and thinking to myself, I am WAY too young to be managing this process right now.
There's another class of driver though, far beyond the Student Driver in terms of experience but basically the same in terms of expertise, that I'd like to describe. They're hard to define except in terms of their incompetence, which is dicey water to enter because observers tend to disagree on what defines incompetence. Except for in this case, because everyone knows it when they see it.
You might see the "I'm Terrified To Be Driving" driver in the left lane going 20 mph under the speed limit with their left-hand blinker on. You might see them waiting on a side street and pulling out JUST in front of a moving vehicle, cutting them off severely. Based on their extremely dangerous and terrible driving behavior, you might think they are drunk and/or high on something, but it's 11 am on a Tuesday and the driver doesn't look drunk or high, they just look mortified.
I'll say nothing else about this type of driver, except that it's my opinion that driver's licenses should be more difficult to obtain (from a technique perspective) than they currently are. At a bare minimum, drivers should have to display minimum levels of competency in actual traffic during a road test. The rules about establishing driving proficiency come from a different time, when there were more farms and less congestion on the roads. It'd be great to see someone change this, though it strikes me as the type of political debate where common sense and pissing people off are diametrically opposed (so nothing ever happens).
Driver #7: The Driving for Work Driver
Vehicles Associated with the Driving for Work Driver: Ford E-series work vans, semis
There's a fundamental difference in attitude and philosophy between people who commute to work and people who drive FOR work (truck drivers, delivery people, etc.). When you're commuting to your job, you're trying to get somewhere to do work and ideally, you'd like to get there in as quick and trouble-free a process as possible. I've always felt the most competent driving you'll ever see is between 7-9 am and between 5-7 pm on weekdays - these are mostly drivers who are going to the same place they've been going for years, and they're focused on getting there as quickly as possible. They're experienced and they're motivated, which is a good combination.
People who drive FOR work, however, are often driving at the exact same time and are motivated by completely different things. They have deadlines and quotas to meet, so it does behoove them to proceed somewhat efficiently toward their destination, but after years and years of driving for a living, there's simply no way that getting somewhere fast can mean as much to a semi driver than it does to someone driving to their marketing or sales job. Plus, the vehicles they drive are by nature limited in terms of their acceleration and dexterity, intensifying the perceived differentiation between the Driving FOR Work driver and those who merely drive to work.
Passing a semi-truck on the right is the most dangerous move someone can make on the road, and as a result I (almost) never do it. My commute to work is on a truck route (part of it is a two-lane highway for almost ten miles), and the best advice I can give (often spoken mantra-like to myself in the car) is to wait for a reasonable opportunity to pass one of these behemoths on the left. But I will say this - there's no landscape pastoral or beautiful enough to counter-act having to stare at the back of a semi truck for ten miles.
