1. When I was little I made “traps” everywhere, because I saw the Ninja Turtles do the same thing in the sewer. They only ever worked on my step father. He was not pleased.
2. I am a Green Bay Packers fan. The reason is because my step father is a Vikings fan and at the age of 6 or so I realized I was his intellectual superior and wanted to spite him because he hated them Packers. I like to think this choice has worked out well for me.
3. My friends, my inner circle, my adopted family. I can be completely honest with them and I show them the same unflinching loyalty they show me. There is one exception, if there is a conflict between 2 or more members of the inner circle and both make logically sound arguments I will side with whomever I have known longer. Let me tell you member #1 dates back to diaper days, so trying to make me side against him would be a poor life choice.
4. My greatest fear is being forgotten. I attribute this to my father’s one fault. He is almost always late to things. When I was little and he had to pick me up from my mother’s house and he was late I always got really scared that he forgot because he was busy working or something and I would have to stay with her.
5. I say non-sensical things… a lot. A good deal of the time it’s because I don’t think before speaking. But sometimes I do think about them pretty in depth and say the ridiculous things anyway because I think it will be funny. I’d rather be thought of as ridiculous and weird than forgotten. My friends usually can translate what I mean to say. But sometimes people that don't know me that well take offense from something I say and I want them to know that I would not say something to a friend with any animosity and that I would not be having a conversation with someone I didn't consider a friend.
6. When people are dogmatic and refuse to listen to reason it drives me up the wall. No one is always right. Whether you base it on your preference or religion or whatever. If the logic and data are there just accept that you have been bested. At least be able to say to each their own or live and let live. Don’t force you’re personal/religious beliefs on people. Ex. My stepfather thinks that just because music wasn’t made when he was young that it is better than anything made today.
Thursday, February 12, 2009
Happy Birthday, Charles Darwin!
Today is Chucky D.'s 200th birthday. Cue balloons and cake and hookers and drugs. Biologists do it up RIGHT!But after that, down to business. An article from CNN commemorating the birthday has this scary -- er, terrifying -- no, apocalyptic passage:
"A Gallup poll released this week shows that 39 percent of Americans say they 'believe in the theory of evolution,' while a quarter say they do not believe in the theory, and another 36 percent don't have an opinion either way. This follows an earlier Gallup poll on the issue, conducted last May, that found only 14 percent of Americans believe that humans developed over millions of years from less advanced forms of life. Forty-four percent believe that God created human beings almost overnight within the past 10,000 years, and another 36 percent believe that God guided humans' evolution from animals over a much longer period of time."
Wait, what? WHAT?! These numbers cannot be right. There's no way. There's no POSSIBLE way that only 39% of Americans accept the theory of evolution. No. Uh-uh.... But this is GALLUP. They do this stuff all the time. I can't believe that Gallup would botch the numbers that badly.
FOURTY-FOUR PERCENT of people think that an invisible man created humanity out of nothing, instantly, in the past 10,000 years. The U.S. population is around 300 million. That's equal to 132,000,000 people who think this. Millions and millions of people. That is a huge, scary number.
Now of course I could rant about this all day. (And I might.) But I'm not interested in arguing with people who are so committed to their delusions that they are content to fly in the face of reason and evidence and logic to believe in a fairy tale. That's... well, it's not good, but there's no use arguing with those people. No, I'm after that 36% that believe "God guided humans' evolution from animals."
Honestly, it reminds me of parents who try to teach their kids about Santa Claus. When someone supposedly reputable (your parents) tells you the story of a magic fat guy who breaks into your house and leaves toys, you believe it because you're a dumb kid. As you get older, you think of questions: at noontime of Christmas Eve, was he delivering toys to Chinese kids? What about houses without chimneys? How does he fit billions of toys in one sleigh? If Santa is flying around, does he coordinate with air traffic control to make sure his flight path is clear? And parents, rather than admit that it's a story (albeit an important character-building one), perform mental gymnastics to explain away these questions: Yes, he starts in Australia and spends one hour in each time zone, following midnight around the world. Sometimes he goes through doors or windows if there's no chimney. He periodically goes back to the North Pole to pick up toys when his sleigh runs out. And yes, Santa obeys all relevant aviation procedures while in flight, and respects the proper no-fly zones in hostile countries (where he hands toys out to relief workers to distribute).
This is similar. People already believe in one story, and they are so desperate to cling to that story -- even though the truth is much easier and simpler to accept -- that they perform some quite impressive mental gymnastics to keep the original story intact. For some reason, people have this idea that "reconciling faith and science" means that faith and science need to coexist in the same place at all times, otherwise you're believing in one in exclusion to the other. Why does believing in God AND evolution mean that the two are directly related? Why can't God's involvement in evolution be no more or less than his involvement in everything else that goes on? Why can't God be God and do godly things, and let biology explain evolution?
Let's take the belief of this 36% to its conclusion, lest we rest our faith on half-baked ideology. Let's pretend that God is the manipulator of mutation and recombination and multiplication, He guides the amino acids to their destinations, He arranges the codons and the proteins and His divine hands fold our tertiary and quaterniary structures into the Holy Puzzle that constitutes our being. He is the force that drives us to eat, and sleep, and hunt, and procreate. He has crafted ecosystems over millions of years by piecing together the genes for sharper claws, stronger wings, and longer beaks, and breaking and re-making the environment to favor those children whom He saw fit to grace with the fruits of His sub-cellular works. (Still no word on what the deal is with the platypus.) But now we have a problem. Evolution is directed by our mutations, our DNA, our chemical gradients. If God controls our cells, then that means our action potentials and our neurons and everything is also under control. We've now given up a whole big chunk of philosophy: the idea that our decisions and actions have some consequence, and that we have a free will to speak of. Now, I'm not a philosophy or a religion major (ahem), but I think that's a major plot point in the Deist worldview: you must act a certain way, and consciously make decisions that would please God, or be punished. But with our brain tissue under wraps, God controls what we think. Our decisions are not our own, and therefore our behavior cannot be used to judge us.
Obviously this is ridiculous. Now you can probably come up with all sorts of conveniences and plot twists and contrivances to try and make your theory sound LESS ridiculous (God only influences the environment, not our bodies! God influences chance events but doesn't make crazy things happen -- except for miracles! etc.), but that's just proving my point.
Which is this: the truth is simple, it doesn't need to be complicated by trying to mash together two theories which work perfectly well on their own. Let God be God, out there doing whatever it is God does, and let our biology and our physics and our evolution be as they are -- as we know them to be.
Also: God's not real. But I'll settle for separation of church and cell.
Wednesday, February 11, 2009
25 Random Things About Me
1. I am obsessed with maximizing the number of hits to my blog. Although I'll never know who reads this blog, I do know that in 2009 alone, there have been two days of 40+ and 50+ page views, respectively, which are amazing stats. So, thanks for reading something that should be on Facebook in the first place.
2. I have one piece of Boston Red Sox memorabilia in my apartment, even though I hate the Boston Red Sox. It's a 1950's-era Ted Williams soda advertisement, and I refuse to take it down because (a) I don't disrespect the dead, and (b) I especially don't disrespect the dead when you're talking about the greatest left-handed hitter who ever lived.
3. I love frozen Reese's Peanut Butter Cups. I eat an average of one "Big Bag" a week, and somehow have not yet acquired diabetes.
4. I've had jobs that I love. I've had jobs where I've been well-paid. I'm still waiting for the first job of my life that accomplishes both these things.
5. I have the lowest LDL cholesterol my doctor has ever seen, even though I eat lots of steak (and Reese's).
6. I check my E-mail at least 10 times a day during the workweek, and 5 times a day during the weekends. E-mail is my crack.
7. Speaking of addictions, although I quit smoking cigarettes 3+ years ago, I still smoke one cigar a month. I smoked last month's cigar in my Honda Civic, and will never smoke in there again because the car smelled like an ashtray for a week afterward.
8. Speaking of addictions, I really like to gamble, but I don't think it's an addiction yet. I'm counting on my friends to tell me when/if I cross that threshold...
9. In high school, I was known as the "Dark Cavern". This is because certain parts of my body were (and remain) unnecessarily hairy. I bring this up when I see people I went to high school with, both as a pseudo-party trick and also to show that I've gotten over it (even though it bothered me at the time).
10. I am a male feminist, which is a function of my extreme laziness (not some sense of social justice). I want women to be equal to men in responsibility because, as a result, I will have to do less work. This gives me more time on the couch, watching TV, which is a good thing.
11. My perfect day involves breakfast, a good long run, lunch, a nap on the couch, steak dinner, a bottle of wine, and quality time with my girlfriend.
12. Out of all the things a graduate student in psychology does, I enjoy advanced data analysis the most. This convinces me that I'll probably make decent money some day.
13. I get angry approximately 20-25 times a day, but mostly about little things.
14. I talk to myself - only when I'm alone - and the most frequent thing I say to myself is, "You're retarded."
15. I actually am retarded, at least when it comes to physical coordination. I can barely move on skis/skates/ice/hard-packed snow.
16. I'm additionally a bit of an asshole, as partially evidenced by my lackadaisical use of terms such as "retarded." But I'm a fair asshole. People know where they stand with me.
17. I may be unable to fill a large lecture hall with my acquaintances, but I have an amazing group of friends. My friends mean everything to me. They keep me in my place, and help me up when I'm down. My friends are the people I can be 100% honest with, in a world that keeps me from telling the complete truth sometimes.
18. People's tastes in music tell me a lot about them. I have an aunt who claims not to trust people who don't like dogs. I don't trust anyone who doesn't like Stone Temple Pilots.
19. Although I despise romantic comedies as a genre, one of my favorite movies is "Wedding Crashers." This is true even though "Wedding Crashers" is a diagrammatic romantic comedy. The moral of this story is, concepts can be blended. If done appropriately, you can convince the world that the same old pile of shit is something new and innovative. This is true for movies, and for legislature.
20. I'm going to turn 26 this year. I look like I'm about 26, which is fair. Physically, I feel like I'm 18. After a long day's work, however, I feel both older and wiser than I am. This may actually be a good thing.
21. I think the reason why "The Wire" is the best piece of drama ever created is that it convinces us that everything which is bad is good, and vice versa. Just like in science, a perfectly creative mind matched with the perfect situation can completely change the way questions are asked. This is known as a paradigm shift, and David Simon shifted the entire paradigm for drama when he created "The Wire." The show confirms every lingering suspicion I ever had about law enforcement, drugs, crime, politics, education, and - quite literally - life. All of this in one show, which may be a little complex but I swear you're smart enough to get it. So, please - PLEASE, FOR THE LOVE OF PETE - watch "The Wire." For me. Okay?
22. I am ambivalent toward drugs. On one hand, I am convinced that the dangers of most "illicit" drugs (e.g., marijuana) are completely overblown. In fact, I am convinced that marijuana is absolutely harmless. On the other hand, I am evangelical about reality. I love reality, and I feel like reality is something everyone should embrace. Further, I feel that "illicit" drugs bend reality and make people sort of... I don't know, weird. They make me question, what is it about not-high life that is so bad to necessitate being high all the time? I mean, why not smoke crack instead? Some of my best friends smoke weed all the time, and more power to them. But still... come on, weirdos.
23. Item #22 (above) may be influenced by the fact that I have not smoked marijuana in over three years. The last time I smoked, I was invited into a "Devil's Threeway" (which I politely declined).
24. I complain... a lot. But that's just my personality. Most of the time, I'm very aware of how lucky I am to have my life. I mean, I could be way stupider than I currently am.
25. I actually am approachable. I'm just kinda like Dikembe Mutombo; you need to bring your A-game when you approach me.
2. I have one piece of Boston Red Sox memorabilia in my apartment, even though I hate the Boston Red Sox. It's a 1950's-era Ted Williams soda advertisement, and I refuse to take it down because (a) I don't disrespect the dead, and (b) I especially don't disrespect the dead when you're talking about the greatest left-handed hitter who ever lived.
3. I love frozen Reese's Peanut Butter Cups. I eat an average of one "Big Bag" a week, and somehow have not yet acquired diabetes.
4. I've had jobs that I love. I've had jobs where I've been well-paid. I'm still waiting for the first job of my life that accomplishes both these things.
5. I have the lowest LDL cholesterol my doctor has ever seen, even though I eat lots of steak (and Reese's).
6. I check my E-mail at least 10 times a day during the workweek, and 5 times a day during the weekends. E-mail is my crack.
7. Speaking of addictions, although I quit smoking cigarettes 3+ years ago, I still smoke one cigar a month. I smoked last month's cigar in my Honda Civic, and will never smoke in there again because the car smelled like an ashtray for a week afterward.
8. Speaking of addictions, I really like to gamble, but I don't think it's an addiction yet. I'm counting on my friends to tell me when/if I cross that threshold...
9. In high school, I was known as the "Dark Cavern". This is because certain parts of my body were (and remain) unnecessarily hairy. I bring this up when I see people I went to high school with, both as a pseudo-party trick and also to show that I've gotten over it (even though it bothered me at the time).
10. I am a male feminist, which is a function of my extreme laziness (not some sense of social justice). I want women to be equal to men in responsibility because, as a result, I will have to do less work. This gives me more time on the couch, watching TV, which is a good thing.
11. My perfect day involves breakfast, a good long run, lunch, a nap on the couch, steak dinner, a bottle of wine, and quality time with my girlfriend.
12. Out of all the things a graduate student in psychology does, I enjoy advanced data analysis the most. This convinces me that I'll probably make decent money some day.
13. I get angry approximately 20-25 times a day, but mostly about little things.
14. I talk to myself - only when I'm alone - and the most frequent thing I say to myself is, "You're retarded."
15. I actually am retarded, at least when it comes to physical coordination. I can barely move on skis/skates/ice/hard-packed snow.
16. I'm additionally a bit of an asshole, as partially evidenced by my lackadaisical use of terms such as "retarded." But I'm a fair asshole. People know where they stand with me.
17. I may be unable to fill a large lecture hall with my acquaintances, but I have an amazing group of friends. My friends mean everything to me. They keep me in my place, and help me up when I'm down. My friends are the people I can be 100% honest with, in a world that keeps me from telling the complete truth sometimes.
18. People's tastes in music tell me a lot about them. I have an aunt who claims not to trust people who don't like dogs. I don't trust anyone who doesn't like Stone Temple Pilots.
19. Although I despise romantic comedies as a genre, one of my favorite movies is "Wedding Crashers." This is true even though "Wedding Crashers" is a diagrammatic romantic comedy. The moral of this story is, concepts can be blended. If done appropriately, you can convince the world that the same old pile of shit is something new and innovative. This is true for movies, and for legislature.
20. I'm going to turn 26 this year. I look like I'm about 26, which is fair. Physically, I feel like I'm 18. After a long day's work, however, I feel both older and wiser than I am. This may actually be a good thing.
21. I think the reason why "The Wire" is the best piece of drama ever created is that it convinces us that everything which is bad is good, and vice versa. Just like in science, a perfectly creative mind matched with the perfect situation can completely change the way questions are asked. This is known as a paradigm shift, and David Simon shifted the entire paradigm for drama when he created "The Wire." The show confirms every lingering suspicion I ever had about law enforcement, drugs, crime, politics, education, and - quite literally - life. All of this in one show, which may be a little complex but I swear you're smart enough to get it. So, please - PLEASE, FOR THE LOVE OF PETE - watch "The Wire." For me. Okay?
22. I am ambivalent toward drugs. On one hand, I am convinced that the dangers of most "illicit" drugs (e.g., marijuana) are completely overblown. In fact, I am convinced that marijuana is absolutely harmless. On the other hand, I am evangelical about reality. I love reality, and I feel like reality is something everyone should embrace. Further, I feel that "illicit" drugs bend reality and make people sort of... I don't know, weird. They make me question, what is it about not-high life that is so bad to necessitate being high all the time? I mean, why not smoke crack instead? Some of my best friends smoke weed all the time, and more power to them. But still... come on, weirdos.
23. Item #22 (above) may be influenced by the fact that I have not smoked marijuana in over three years. The last time I smoked, I was invited into a "Devil's Threeway" (which I politely declined).
24. I complain... a lot. But that's just my personality. Most of the time, I'm very aware of how lucky I am to have my life. I mean, I could be way stupider than I currently am.
25. I actually am approachable. I'm just kinda like Dikembe Mutombo; you need to bring your A-game when you approach me.
Monday, February 2, 2009
Things The Super Bowl Taught Me About: Football, Advertisements, and The Boss
1. You can get (score? make? receive?) a safety by committing a personal foul in the end zone. I didn't know that.
2. John Madden loves to say "penetration" as many times as possible, as fast as possible, regardless of the situation on the field.
3. I love John Madden.
Ok, now that that's over with, on to advertisements:
1. The people who advertise hilarious shows apparently don't talk to the people who actually write the hilarious shows. Probably because the people who write hilarious shows look down upon the people who write the commercials for the show, making fun of them in the hallways and throwing things at them in the cafeteria.
2. Speaking of commercials.... WTF? By my count, there were 3 good commercials total during this Super Bowl: 1. Chimps advertising motor oil (I buy anything advertised to me by chimps), 2. Those stock trading ads with the talking babies, which have gotten progressively better over the years ("Maybe read the rules, Shankoppotomus!"), and 3. JESUS CHRIST ITS G.I. JOE! Although to be honest, I'm sure the G.I. Joe movie will suck, I just didn't know they were making one until I saw the commercial. I think we all know where this is going. I'm waiting for the teaser trailer.
3. Pepsi and Coke have apparently fired their advertising team, told the word processors at the ad department to "switch to autopilot," and then put whatever crap they produce onto the screen.
4. 3D movies have existed for... holy Hell, 87 fucking years (according to Wikipedia). Are we supposed to assume that this is a new development? The way they're pimping it out now, it certainly seems so.
And finally...
Bruce. Good lord. Now, make no mistake: I have a soft spot for The Boss. I grew up listening to his songs, and before I discovered the radio, he was all I listened to. As the less-pussy of the two internationally-renowed New Jersey superstars of classic rock (Joan Bon Jovi being the other), he represents the old-school blue-collar New Jersey of our fathers, now lost to the newer, more New York prone white-collar New Jersey of our bratty Guido brethren. Unfortunately, he's starting to represent the blue-collar New Jersey of our grandfathers at this point. Now, I don't think it's sad when rockers who became famous in their teens or 20's stay active well into their later years. In fact, I think it's cool to think that there are some people who will never give up the music, who still "have it." But it's important to be realistic. Bruce Springsteen is 59 years old. He has no business jumping up on pianos and falling to the ground. He could seriously hurt something.Now, this isn't a problem specifically with Springsteen or his E-Street band. KISS formed in 1972. Aerosmith was in 1970. AC/DC formed in 1973. All of these bands are still technically "active," and to be honest, I mean... for fuck's sake (Exhibit A: that photo). I think it's great that you want to keep playing music, or if you want to stay touring and whatnot. But I think at some point, you need to re-invent yourselves as "not the same band you were 30 years ago." There's nothing shameful in that, but listening to someone who is 35 years my senior talking about life as a teenager just comes off as... well, weird. Or sad. Or the kind of nostalgia that isn't good. I'm not sure what the word is, but it's not the kind of feeling you want to be having.
Edit: After re-reading, I've decided to add a qualifier. Talking about your life as a teenager is fine. "Glory Days" is still a relevant song, and it's a good kind of nostalgia. But mashing up those kinds of lyrics -- wistful for the bygone days of youth -- with the "LOOK AT ME I CAN STILL ROCK IT" theatrics of the aforementioned piano jumping and limboing is what gets me. Yes, it's the Super Bowl, and big theatrics are the standard (for details, Google "Tit-star" and "His Purple Majesty" for previous offerings), but in that case, why book Springsteen and the E-Streeters? And why, after being booked, did Springsteen feel the need to compete with younger acts on that level? It's just... wrong. Edit #2: The fact that I just referred to Janet Jackson and Prince as "younger acts" should be enough to illustrate my point.
Anyway Bruce, re-invent yourself as the grandpa rocker you clearly are. You're a titan of the music industry, and you don't need fireworks or gymnastics to prove it. There's nothing shameful about calming down at 60 and playing mellow. Your shows will still sell out, and you'll still be able to bang every MILF in Middlesex, Monmouth, and Ocean counties. Provided Max Weinberg doesn't get to them first.
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