A Roadmap to Turning 30

Earlier today, Deadspin linked to a wonderful Esquire interview with former NBA star (and successful co-pilot) Kareem Abdul-Jabaar, who wrote eloquently about the 20 things he wished he'd known when he was 30.  Abdul-Jabaar, now 66, has always struck me as an interesting paradox; an intensely serious and physical player on the court, but every time I'd heard him interviewed (most recently on Opie and Anthony on XM satellite radio) I have been struck by how thoughtful and quiet - practically studious - he seemed.  Given this, I was very interested to read what he had to say to Esquire, the magazine that does the greatest work with making ordinary men seem extraordinary (and extraordinary men seem transcendent). 

Esquire does high-end journalism well in general, in my opinion, but its light shines brightest when it strives to use the examples of older men to teach life lessons to younger men.  I've been a long time subscriber and it's nearly impossible for me to read an issue without jumping directly to the "What I've Learned" interview (this month, Willie Nelson!).  It turned out that Abdul-Jabaar's self-authored article was even deeper than that.  Instead of small nuggets of advice, the article provided deep, sometimes excruciating detail regarding each of the items for which he wished he knew back then what he knows right now.

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I turn 30 later this year, and I am - except for matters related to planning a huge party - not considering it a very big deal.  People get caught up in milestone numbers, and sometimes this is with good reason; turning 21 is a legitimate excuse to purchase a legal adult beverage, and turning 80 (for instance) is an accomplishment worth truly celebrating for longevity's sake.  But 30 is none of that; unless you are a professional athlete, it's fair to say that anyone at this age has not yet accomplished even a fraction of what they will eventually accomplish. 

I know I feel that way about myself, which is why I read Abdul-Jabbar's article with a critical eye toward self-evaluation.  Where, if anywhere, did I seem to be doing pretty well for myself, still being a relatively young man?  And where do I know I am weak?  Below, I've sampled from his list of 20 items, and expounded a bit where relevant on where I stand:

(All words in italics are from the article itself.)

1. Be more outgoing. My shyness and introversion from those days still haunt me. Fans felt offended, reporters insulted. That was never my intention... I loved to play basketball, and was tremendously gratified that so many fans appreciated my game. But when I was off the court, I felt uncomfortable with attention... Basically, I was a secret nerd who just happened to also be good at basketball. 

If you asked me honestly what I wish I were better at, my first reply would be that I wish I were more of a people person.  Don't get me wrong, if I know you, we're cool, and we can talk about anything.  But I've always had problems connecting with people at first (through some combination of shyness + being a not-so-secret nerd who just happened to also be good at math).  Last year, I read Dale Carnegie's How to Win Friends and Influence People, which helped tremendously (especially for an item written about eighty years ago).  What I try to practice when I meet new people, whether it's at an airport bar somewhere or in line at the grocery store, is to find something easy enough to talk about (the weather, sports, work, family) such that most people can talk about it comfortably.  But it's a constant work in progress for me.  I wish I were better at it.

3. Become financially literate. I chose my financial manager, who I later discovered had no financial training, because a number of other athletes I knew were using him. That’s typical athlete mentality in that we’re used to trusting each other as a team, so we extend that trust to those associated with teammates. Consequently, I neglected to investigate his background or what qualified him to be a financial manager. He placed us in some real estate investments that went belly up and I came close to losing some serious coin.

I'm doing well at this.  When I left graduate school, I decided to become more actively involved in my financial future.  I designed my 401(k) allocation myself, picking the lowest cost index funds available to me and rebalancing annually to shuffle more funds into sectors that I felt were on the rise.  I've also been reading tons of blogs and books about personal finance.  As it stands, my financial security is one thing I cannot complain about as I turn 30.

6. Get handy. I always wanted to be one of those guys who, whenever something doesn’t work, straps on a tool belt and says, “I’ll fix it.” Recently my washing machine broke and flooded my entire downstairs. I was forced to stand idly by waiting for a plumber to arrive while water rose around my ankles because I didn’t know how to shut off the water. That’s the kind of experience that makes you have your testosterone levels checked.

Yeah, I mean, becoming handy - unless you start at a really young age - is a life-long process.  Over the past couple of years, I've learned how to paint, wire outlets and light fixtures, mow lawns, landscape, fix simple drain clogs, install a tub surround, a ceiling fan, and a door knob.  I'm probably leaving a few things out, and I know for a fact there's a ton left to learn (I know nothing about carpentry, for instance, which seems like something I'd be good at).  Maybe ten years from now I'll be able to compare myself to others and say that I am handy, but for now, I'll have to settle for taking on new home improvement projects and seeing how I do.

 

7. Be patient. Impatience is the official language of youth. When you’re young, you want to rush to the next thing before you even know where you are.

Another huge weakness for me; I may be the least patient person I know.  I work in an office building with a physical therapy office and I like to walk fast.  It absolutely kills me to have to slow down in order to accommodate the needs of someone who is walking slowly due to a physical condition - I don't mean to be an asshole, I just really need to get where I'm going.  Why do I rush?  I have absolutely no idea; I'm either walking to my desk (where I do my job perfectly fine without needing to rush) or I'm walking to my car (and I'll get home when I get home, there's no point in rushing).  Even though I understand it, it's like I'm addicted to moving fast.

I drive pretty fast, too, and I find myself being jealous of slower drivers on the road.  It seems like a very Zen thing to be; cool, calm, and collected enough to not need to PUSH to get where you're going.  I wonder whether any of these slow drivers were like me when they were younger (probably no, probably most people as Type-A as myself don't live to be that old in the first place - our hearts explode first).  But still, the point is to self-evaluate here, and if I can improve on this maybe just one day a month, that's something.

 

9. Career is never as important as family. The better you are at your job, the more you’re rewarded, financially and spiritually, by doing it. You know how to solve problems for which you receive praise and money. Home life is more chaotic. Solving problems is less prescriptive and no one’s applauding or throwing money if you do it right. That’s why so many young professionals spend more time at work with the excuse, “I’m sacrificing for my family.” Bullshit. Learn to embrace the chaos of family life and enjoy the small victories. This hit me one night after we’d won an especially emotional game against the Celtics. I’d left the stadium listening to thousands of strangers chanting “Kareem! Kareem!” I felt flush with the sense of accomplishment, for me, for the Lakers, and for the fans. But when I stepped into my home and my son said, “Daddy!” the victory, the chanting, the league standings, all faded into a distant memory.

I write this as a childless man, and I'll choose to remain childless for at least a while longer, I believe.  This makes me happy because I'm inherently selfish (at the moment) and don't want to give up any of the freedoms that I personally have worked very hard to obtain (at least for right now).  I'm sure that as I get older these priorities will change, but I'm living my ideal lifestyle at the moment, and that's what matters for the purposes of this post.

On the other hand, a man starts to wonder about getting old (which happens to those of us who are fortunate) and getting infirm and needing help (which happens to everyone, if they live long enough).  These are big picture questions and I can't even feign an answer to them right now.  Staying childless gives me the comfort of not having to address what being part of a family means.  My family life growing up was tough, in its own way, and my extended childhood is a great way to "punt" on these types of questions.  Similarly, it allows me to focus on my career - and I do care a bunch about my career right now.  Will things always stay this way?  Probably not, but Kareem's words are interesting to read at this point in my life, regardless of what the future brings.

10. Being right is not always the right thing to be. Kareem, my man, learn to step away. You think being honest immunizes you from the consequences of what you say. Remember Paul Simon’s lyrics, “There’s no tenderness beneath your honesty.” So maybe it’s not that important to win an argument, even if you “know” you’re right. Sometimes it’s more important to try a little tenderness.

Unlike the patience thing, I am improving at this.  Because of what I do for a living, I'm rarely lacking for being around egos.  You can look at this in one of two ways, and I elect to look at it as being fortunate to work in a line of business that attracts smart and tough-minded people.  Earlier in my career and earlier in my life, I was so concerned that I wasn't competent/mature enough to fit in that I would push my arguments on other people.  Now I've learned to just give up and give in, even if I think I may be right about the argument itself.  

 

Many times I've feigned sympathy in conversations with strangers who have assumed my political views are radically different from what they are; in the past, I'd correct them and try to convert them to my cause.  Now I just let them think I agree with them.

I guess at the end of the day, I'd rather be well-liked than great at knowing stuff.  I think most people who know me know about my intellect already; there's no need to shove it on unsuspecting strangers. 

11. Cook more. 

Aw hell yes.  Man, do I love cooking.  I try to cook for my wife and me at least three times per week; my specialties are Mexican, Italian, grilled meats, and starchy side dishes.  The only place where I could see improvement over the next ten years is sharpening my skill set; for instance, I'd love to learn actual knife skills (get it? sharpen?), and I'd love to learn how to cook more haute cuisine-type stuff. 

13. Do one thing every day that helps someone else. This isn’t about charity, this is about helping one individual you know by name. Maybe it means calling your parents, helping a buddy move, or lending a favorite jazz album to Chocolate Fingers McGee.

Good at this, I think.  I'm extremely charitable within my own social circle.

14. Do more for the community. This is about charity, extended to people close by whose names you don’t know. You can always do more.

Awful at this, on the other hand.  Sometimes I wish I believed in God because - faulty premises aside - churches are great at getting people to volunteer; say one thing for religion, for better or for worse, it brings people together.  I do "guilty white person" things for charity, like donating money and clothing and old kitchen utensils and shit, but none of that seems real.  If I could make it to my 40th birthday having helped build a house or something, that would be ideal.

16. Don’t be so quick to judge. It’s human nature to instantly judge others. It goes back to our ancient life-or-death need to decide whether to fight or flee. But in their haste to size others up, people are often wrong—especially a thirty-year-old sports star with hordes of folks coming at him every day. We miss out on knowing some exceptional people by doing that, as I’m sure I did...You have to weigh the glee of satisfaction you get from arrogantly rejecting people with the inevitable sadness of regret you’ll eventually feel for having been such a dick.

BUT... BUT... arrogantly rejecting people is fun!  I am going to share a deep, dark secret with you right now - something I've never put on paper before (I think).  I've always sort of vaguely disliked other people until I get to know them.  I think it's the lasting chains of being a nerdy kid without too many friends in elementary school - when you're an outsider you start to think that the problems are with other people.  (And by the way, given how well my adult life has proceeded thus far, it's kind of difficult to prove to me that 8-year-old Fred didn't have a serious point.)  As an adult, though, this behavior can quickly become antisocial and overly judgmental.

So what do I do to fix this?  Well I'm pretty sure the issue is dispositional at this point; I am never going to be a social butterfly in this life.  But through learning better social graces I've been able to act somewhat smoother in casual interactions, which also helps keep me from judging (judging is, after all, a reflex with its basis in social anxiety).  This is another work in progress for me.

18. Watch more TV. 

 

I am an absolute STUD at watching TV.  No possible areas for improvement here.

20. Everything doesn’t have to be fixed. Relax, K-Man. Some stuff can be fixed, some stuff can’t be. Deciding which is which is part of maturing.

The day when I can learn how to say "fuck it" and actually mean it will be a paradigm shifting day for me.  I have to say, the big takeaway from reading Kareem's thoughts - and thinking how similar these issues are to the ones I face now, as I approach thirty - is that I'm a type.  Specifically I'm a driven, neurotic, ambitious person, which is both an awesome thing to be in the long run and an absolutely awful thing to be in the momentary quotidian of life.  The key is to learn how to enjoy moments, and I think that's something you just need time in order to figure out.  Or maybe more appropriately, you need a sense of the transience of time in order to figure out - I've yet to realize that time is short, and I am going to die someday.  I just assume that I'll keep growing, and learning, and becoming faster at running half marathons indefinitely.

Is this true?  Absolutely not, but it's nice to dream, at least for a while.  And when that dream ends, it'll be time to come to terms with item #20, which is ultimately about setting priorities.