Welcome to New Jersey, Tim Tebow!

Dear Timmy Timmy-Tim-Tim:

First and foremost, welcome to the next stage of your NFL career, where you'll be playing for the New York Jets. I personally look forward to watching you run 4-5 option plays a game as part of the Jets' new Wildcat formation. Over the next couple months you'll probably find that, because the Jets actually play their games on the left side of the Hudson River at MetLife Stadium, and because their training camp facilities are also in New Jersey, it probably makes the most sense to live in New Jersey while you play for the Jets.

Now, you and I are from the same home town (in God's country; St. John's County, Florida, in particular), and - as I've been living in New Jersey for 19 out of the last 21 years - I thought it might be helpful to explain a few tricks I've learned about living around here. Hopefully you'll refer to these in the event you fall into an awkward situation or three while living in New Jersey.

We should probably start with the whole religion thing, eh, Timmy Boy? I know you're into that shit. The good news, for you at least, is that New Jersey is a reasonably religious place (only 15% of the population self-identifies as atheist; compare this with other states such as Vermont, where over a third are atheists). The bad news is that only 8% of New Jersey residents are Baptists, and less than 0.5% consider themselves "evangelical" in any way, shape or form. We don't have many mega-churches here, it's considered impolite to put anything religious on your car, it's considered even more impolite to talk to someone you're not close with about religion, and - to be honest - you're probably better off just leaving the whole "Son of God" thing within the confines of your own home during your stay here.  (That genuflecting-like substance in the image to the right needs to go away, as well.)

Also, we need to have a quick chat regarding your conversational style. In an excellent article for Grantland.com, Chuck Klosterman opined that you are highly sensitive and have a strong emotional intelligence. Assuming he's right, and he probably is, you're going to need to modify that tone if you want to stick around New Jersey. Don't get me wrong - the whole "rude New Jerseyan" thing is totally overblown. We actually do look out for our neighbors here (assuming our neighbors earn the kindness). But what we aren't, really, is what people in other parts of the country mistakenly call "polite."

We're brutally honest people, we don't waste time on small talk, and if we're going to talk to you, it's going to be a lively conversation. I recently overheard two people converse inside a Publix (we both know what a Publix is, right, Timmy?) in North Florida for three minutes without saying anything important about people, places, or things. It was an incredible conversation to hear, because it wasn't a conversation at all - it was two complete strangers, each simply too polite to end a series of short ramblings about absolutely nothing. Neither conversant could bother saying something nice like "Y'all have a great day now!" while walking away. This will never ever happen in New Jersey. We simply won't engage you in conversation unless we have something to say to you.

All of this being said, you're probably wishing you were traded to Jacksonville, instead. Having spent considerable amounts of time in Jacksonville, I can't blame you. It's a beautiful city, the weather's warm, the girls are pretty and the Force is strong with Jeebus. I think most football fans in that city had Tim Tebow Jaguars jerseys custom-made before the 2010 NFL Draft. They were convinced they'd get you the first time around, and even more convinced they'd get you the second time around, once the Broncos signed Peyton Manning. You would have been, dare I say, deified as a football player in Jacksonville, given your standing there. (Right now, I don't think there are many NFL fans left in Jacksonville.  The team might move to Los Angeles, and that right soon.)

Conversely, I'm not sure that Jets fans are going to welcome you with open arms. I'm not personally a Jets fan, but I know many of them, and they don't exactly have a ton of patience. In fact, you being a Jet is going to be an awesome group psychology experiment - combine the most irrationally optimistic player in the NFL with perhaps the most irrationally pessimistic fan base in sports, and see what happens. Good luck and Godspeed, kid. Stay away from Rex Ryan when he's in an upset mood; I hear he doesn't mince words. Also stay away from him when he's feeling a little... frisky.

Oh, and one more thing about living in New Jersey. I hear your contract is "reasonable" by NFL standards. Combine that with New Jersey real estate prices and you'll probably end up renting an apartment down the street from me. (My wife will bring you a welcome basket, along with a few of her favorite Bible verses. There aren't many.) Anyway, combine that with the lack of state income tax in Florida and the $450,000 mansions for sale in Jacksonville and... yeah, you should have been traded to Jacksonville.

But hey, good luck in New Jersey! Now get the fuck outta here.