Couples Who Hold Hands or Otherwise Act Affectionately in Grocery Stores Must Be Executed On Sight

Seriously, people, come on. This is not a romantic, candlelit dinner. This is not a moon-lit stroll in the park. It is the "Candy/Gum," "Coffee," "Peanut Butter," and "Mayonnaise" aisle at the neighborhood Stop 'n' Shop, and it isn't a pretty place, and there's no reason to act all schmoopy while looking for Marshmallow Fluff. Plus, your affection is blocking the damned aisle. No, seriously, I cannot get past you. All I want is my goddamned Reese's Peanut Butter Cups, and you're in my way, damnit. I hope you forget your wallet at home and have to put everything you tried to purchase back.

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As I write this, I'm watching the Hall of Fame Preseason NFL Special on NBC. Excepting the Baseball All-Star game, this particular football game is the weirdest sporting event on the calendar. It's the first preseason game on the schedule, played by two teams selected randomly (this year's game is between the Washington Redskins and the Indianapolis Colts, two teams that are not inextricably linked in the annals of football lore). Now, all NFL preseason games are meaningless exhibitions, with no official stats being kept (and full ticket prices charged on top of season tickets as a perverse luxury tax). But this game is especially meaningless.

How meaningless is it? The starters* played for one offensive series, which takes up less than the first quarter of the game. (*Note: One important starter, Colts quarterback Peyton Manning, isn't playing at all, as he recovers from minor knee surgery.) After the starters leave, all the scrubs, rookies, and career has-beens enter for the rest of the game, and even the announcers realize how silly the game gets at this point. For example, in the fourth quarter of an ostensibly tied, 16-16 game, I learn that Colts fourth-string QB Jared Lorenzen weighed a massive 13 lbs. at birth. (If you've ever seen Lorenzen, you may be asking yourself: only 13 lbs.? This guy is the football equivalent of that giant 44 lb. cat they found in South Jersey two weeks ago.)

But this is the extent of the gravitational pull that professional football exerts on the lives of its fans. Between the desires to get ahead in fantasy football, to recognize one of so many almost-unrecognizable faces (e.g., former Rutgers DT Eric Foster, signed by the Colts as an undrafted free agent), or just to see people hit each other in a simulated game of war* (*Note: Not the card game), pro football is king amongst sports these days, a marketing behemoth, and there's no way I'm turning off the TV for the remainder of the game. Even if nobody on the field will ever see action in a meaningful NFL game.

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I'm back in Boston for the next week or so, before I go away on three (count 'em, three) vacations to round out my summer. I haven't seen my apartment in five weeks, so when I walked in earlier today, it was kinda eerie. A lot has changed. Channels 26-82 were mysteriously missing from my cable TV listings, and I had to call the cable company to find out that those channels are now anywhere from 101 (BET) to 384 (G4). It'll only take me another six months to memorize this new channel lineup. Great.

Also, my roommate (who is leaving at the end of the month) apparently took half the furniture in the living room home with him. So now I'm looking at my checking account and thinking of the things I'll need to buy in the next month. The list looks like this:

New TV (preferably HD)
New video game system (preferably Xbox 360)
New cookware, chefware, sous-chefware, utensils, cutlery, and awesome wine bottle opener
New reclining chair (or acceptable, used alternative)
About a dozen of those little things that every comfortable living room has (you know, like vases and plants and stuff)
Approx. 50-60 DVDs to compensate for the ones my roommate is taking with him
Lifesize New York Giants helmet fathead.com poster

So I'm counting this up in my head and, you know what, I'm about to go into debt. Oh, well. Donations from loyal blog readers are always welcome; stay classy out there.