The 7 Basic Rules for Playing Blackjack

(Most of) the men of Damaged, Inc. enjoy playing the game of blackjack while visiting a casino. I would say that, out of all of us, PatentlyJersey likes it the best; he can often be found on Facebook.com, playing their blackjack application when he should instead be focusing on learning the law. I probably come in second, because I could spend all night playing the game if my luck were solid and if the drinks were strong enough. Brainpan is a not-so-distant third, if only because he spends most of his time at the casino playing poker; despite this, he's a solid blackjack player with the odd quality of attracting the advances of elderly Asian men while sitting at the table. (No, seriously: elderly Asian men love Brainpan at the blackjack table. One night last summer, at about 5 AM at Resorts in Atlantic City, he played two-handed with the elderly Asian man to his left calling each of his moves. Did he make money? Arguably, no. But that's not the point -- the point is that elderly Asian men love Brainpan.) And Scottery has, in the past, stood behind the rest of us while we played blackjack, because Scottery doesn't gamble.

Anyway, blackjack is a very fun game, but it's not one to be taken lightly. There's a strong social contract between players, and between players and the dealer. Because of this, I think it's important that we lay some ground rules down, so that if you ever see one of us at the casino, we won't have to yell at you or get up from the table. So below, I humbly present the 7 Basic Rules of Playing Blackjack:

Rule #1: When hot, tip the dealer. It's not hard to do; simply ask to have a five-dollar chip broken into ones, and then put a one-dollar chip alongside (behind) your bet. I do this systematically after winning four consecutive hands, and it's near-guaranteed to help you win the fifth*. (*Note: I do not personally endorse the statistical validity of this, or any other claim that I make.) A happy dealer makes the table karma much more positive, and they'll appreciate the effort even if you lose the hand.

Rule #2: As much as it hurts, physically pains you to do so, ALWAYS hit on 16 when the dealer shows 7 or better. You're giving yourself the better of two chances - slim or slimmer - to win the hand. 4/13 cards in the deck can help you, which is better than the 0% chance you'll have of winning once the dealer shows his face card (and the dealer WILL have a face card under there).

Rule #3: Never hit on 12 or better when the dealer shows a 6. The "6" is the dealer's way of screaming, "I AM ABOUT TO BREAK!!!!" (Note: To "break" means to bust.) The only proper move in this situation is to stand. One time, PatentlyJersey made the mistake of hitting on something like a 12 or 13 (I forget which) with the dealer showing 6; he got his 20 and ended up winning the hand, where everyone else at the table lost. Had he not hit, however, the next hand would have played out completely differently and a high-roller in final position wouldn't have lost 200 bucks, which leads me to Rule #4...

Rule #4: Understand that people who play blackjack are fundamentally irrational. I personally can't stand it when players get pissed off at a stupid move, and then complain that "I should've had that card!" Dickwad, the only statistic that really matters in blackjack is the following: 51% vs. 49%. In the long run, the house has a 2% advantage that no amount of luck can circumvent. When you sit down to play the game, you do so under the implicit understanding that other people can do whatever the hell they want (e.g., split face cards, hit on 19, whatever) and that your luck evens out (against you, of course) over an infinite number of cards. I play blackjack expecting to lose (a little bit of) money. Get over it.

Rule #5: If you tip your cocktail waitress (not even handsomely, just tip something), she'll keep coming back. No one in a casino has a worse job than the cocktail waitress, particularly if you're gambling in the cheap seats. I mean, look at them. Their faces and voices are just destroyed, and you know they have a tough job and a really tough life. Throw them a dollar, even if your drink is supposed to be free. It's not a lot, and it goes a long way.

Rule #6: When cold, don't go above minimum bet, and when really cold, consider walking away. The worst feeling in the world is when you hit your "I'm not going to lose any more money than this" number about two hours into a casino excursion, and you get to sit around and watch everyone around you gamble all night and actually have fun. There's no shame in walking away and consoling the rest of your money by actually holding onto it. But also, a dealer has to almost break even in the long run, so when they get really hot there's some value to riding out the streak and waiting for your time to come. I generally get through this by never going above the minimum bet. Again, when things get really bad, I still walk away, but I save this as a last-ditch strategy.

Rule #7: Don't go on tilt. "Going on tilt" means that you're emotionally out of control, making stupid and risky decisions with money that don't make sense. Just don't do this. It makes more sense to scream, "I'm counting cards!" than it does to throw all your money in on one hand. (Believe me, I've done the latter.)

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Any other rules you can think of? That's what the comments section is for. Stay classy out there.