I <3 The Olympics

Sup y'all. If there's a timestamp on this post, it'll read "Not extremely early in the morning but still way earlier than Scottery usually gets to work," because I'm turning over A New Leaf by going to bed at a reasonable, human time (midnight) instead of my comfortable usual (4 in the morning). Thus, I am here several hours before usual, and it turns out that my daily schedule was not far off from my coworkers', since I'm the only one here.

I'm going to make this post about the Olympics. However, unlike most normal people, I will not post about the Olympics in general -- the pagentry, the nationalism, the struggle and triumph and defeat -- but about three separate, semi-unrelated things that I have seen since the start of the games that I found interesting. Since I don't watch the Olympics, these events will probably be old news to anyone with even a passing interest in the games. Nonetheless...

First up: The Lance Armstrong of Swimming, Michael Phelps. The man has won (at last count) 11 medals in his career, more than any other human in history. He has to take drug tests between almost every event, but I think it would be more accurate to take gene sequencing data to make sure that he is not, in fact, a dolphin. However, all of his acts -- his unexpected rise to fame at the last Olympics, his subsequent DUI, this year's continuation of that fame, his ability to keep his swimsuit in the no-man's land between "appropriate for NBC television" and "gay porn" -- pale in comparison to what happened during the 400m freestyle relay. I have never felt as patriotic and as willing-to-bash-the-French as I was after watching this event. To set the stage: The French were smack-talking America, saying they would crush us in the event. Let me repeat that: The French said they would crush America. So what happened? The last swimmer of the 4-man relay, Jason Lezak, who began the last stretch of the race almost a full body length behind the French swimmer Alain Bernard, pulled ahead to out-touch him at the wall. He won by a distance of what Olympic scholars refer to as "a pube." Oh and by the way, they ran the race in 3 minutes, 8.24 seconds, erasing by almost 4 seconds (which is like, a year in swimming-time) the world record of 3 minutes, 12.23 seconds, set the night before by the American B-team. Sore Loser Amaury Leveaux, one of the French swimmers, said, "A fingertip did the victory... It is nothing." Fuck you. America took away your hopes and dreams with a fingertip. In the space of a finger, we (once again) crushed your hopes at greatness. Now go cry into your wine and shut the fuck up while Willie Nelson plays in the background about how awesome we are.

Second up: George Bush. Now, people like to hate on everything he does. And I admit, I like to hate on a lot of what he does, because a lot of what he does is retarded. However, it turns out that when he's not acting as president and is on vacation, well... he might be a lot of fun. Case in point: The majority of the pictures I've seen of our illustrious leader have been in one of two situations: 1. Looking bored and 2. Posing with hot chicks. I've only dug up pictures for the latter, because seriously who cares about him looking bored?


Look at him there. That's the women's softball team. Check out that chick he's hugging, and the one behind him who playfully slapped him on the back and put that white mark on him. That girl is cute as all hell. Pretty pimp if you ask me.



Speaking of pimp, this picture is pretty boss. For one, the Americans wore some pretty classy threads to the opening ceremonies, making everyone else in their "native garb" look ridiculous (THAT'S RIGHT I SAID IT, TAKE A BURN NATIVE CULTURES!!!). Even those countries that didn't show up in traditional dress seemed retarded, what with their fuschia-and-salmon-colored-ties-and-blazers. But besides that, I imagine the run-up to this picture went something like this: "You there. Yes, you, Women's Track and Field team. Come crowd around me and take a picture. I know you probably all hate me and my policies because you're all Godless liberal tree-hugging bisexuals (hopefully), but you're going to take this picture and love it, because I'm President of the Motherfucking World and you'll tell your grandkids of the day you got close enough to cop a feel from the Buttocks of Freedom."


Believe it or not, Bush is in this picture. Look up, and to the left. THERE he is. He's asking to be picked for their team or something, but looking goofy as all hell -- which I interpret as "exceedingly normal behavior for a man in the presence of the hotness that is the Women's Volleyball team." It's kind of disarming and amusing and, well, what regular people act like in that situation.

Which brings me to item 3 of this discussion. Did you know that the volleyball tournament has cheerleaders? I challenge you to find a sport that is less in need of cheerleaders than volleyball. I mean, glance again at that picture up there (in case you weren't already). That is an athlete in the sport. Why would a sport with players as hot as women volleyballers (hee) need cheerleaders? I imagine a smoky board room somewhere at Olympics Headquarters where a fat suit says, "This volleyball thing is good. It's got mass-market appeal. But it's missing something." A yes-man to his right says, "You're absolutely right. Something's missing." Fat suit: "Is there some way we can get hot women in bikinis to dance around?" About-to-be-fired guy in the corner: "Um, well, the players themselves are hot women in bikinis..." Fat suit: "You're arguing against an idea that increases the number of hot women in bikinis. You're fired. The players don't dance. We need cheerleaders." Yes-man: "Brilliant!"


Well, that's about the full extent of my knowledge of the Olympics this year. I'll probably find out some more stuff in the days to come. For the time being though, adios.