Special Blog: 7 Things That I Like

Despite my high level of acculturation and exquisite tastes, I am - at the very core - a simple man. There are days when I enjoy a 24 oz. Porterhouse and a delicious Cabernet. There are other days when a burger and fries will do. Some days, I drink fine whisky; others, Miller Lite. Some days, I travel the land, searching for experimental participants so that I can make the world a better place (and myself, wealthy) through scientific research. Others, I sit in my Mom's basement and type a blog*. (*NOTE: The above statement may or may not be presently true, as I write this blog post.)

So, in the below post, I temporarily ignore my Heathen side, just a little, as I explore the Epicurean delights that are: 7 Things That I Like (in no particular order).

1) 1/2 Lb. Cheeseburger, Grilled, made from day-old ground beef, medium-rare
As frequent readers of the blog already know, PatentlyJersey had us over his place on July 4, once he arrived home from his "Study A Broad (or Three)" in Europe. While Scottery lamented into his Sam Adams, PJ hooked me and himself up with some not-quite-fresh burgers, grilled with care and smothered in mozzarella cheese. To some people, the phrase "day-old ground beef" may elicit a stomach churn. Let me tell you, it's much better than fresh beef, and it tastes like butter. There are restaurants in NYC that age their ground beef for a month before serving the meat, even rare, to consumers. I'm not (yet) a doctor, and I'll never be a medical doctor (per se), but allow me to assure you that it's safe and delicious. Anyway, this meal is one of summer's greatest treats.

2) Wegman's
The best grocery store EVER. Free samples galore, about a dozen fresh food bars, any kind of food you might want. Incredibly fast customer service; I've never waited more than 3 minutes on line. Definitive proof that the world makes sense. If you don't like Wegman's, or have never heard of it, I hate you.

3) Getting onto an expressway just past a major accident that blocks traffic, giving you an entirely empty highway to drive on
If I were a good person, I would actually feel bad about this. But I'm not, so I don't. Having a five-lane highway to myself is an incredibly big treat, and I make the most of it. Should I drive in the left lane? How about the second-to-left lane? How about both lanes?! Yes! One time this happened to me when I was kind of tired from a long drive, so I decided to play Slalom with the lane markers. I decided that every fifth lane marker line was a slalom post, and I had to swerve the Santa Fe in between them in order to score points. This was fun, until I almost destroyed a slow-moving car in front of me. Oh well.

4) The Cal Ripken, Jr., 1982 Donruss Rookie Card
I was messing through some old boxes in the garage over the weekend, and there I saw my favorite misplaced baseball card, ever. Allow me to explain. It was the spring of 1994, and I was the worst player on my Little League team. I could barely catch the ball, and in order to bribe me into continuing playing my mom would take me to the baseball card store after every game, win or lose. One day, after I finally caught a pop-up (I was that bad), my mom let me buy a pack of the most expensive (and oldest) cards they had - the 1982 Donruss collection. When we paid for it, the guy behind the counter said, "Look out for the Cal Ripken, Jr. card," and when I opened the pack, hot shit!, there it was. I immediately placed it in hard plastic and, despite spending the last several years in my garage, it's still in mint condition. It goes for $60-$75 at card shows, but I'm gonna hold onto it for sentimental reasons.

5) (Most) Stephen King novels
I know he's campy and over-prolific, and I know he sometimes insults intelligent people's intelligences. But his characters are very complex and interesting, and when he gets it right -- like in The Stand, the creepiest novel I've ever read -- he produces some extremely scary stuff. I feel like he's best when he's being apocalyptic and science-fictiony. For example, the short story "The End of the World" in Nightmares & Dreamscapes, as well as the novella "The Langoliers" in Four Past Midnight, are two of my favorite pieces of the King canon. If we can forgive George Lucas for his shoddy dialogue and occasional leaps of faith in his scripts, I think we can forgive the King of Horror for his mistakes. Other recommendations: It, Carrie, The Shining (better in print than in movie).

6) Deadspin.com
Not for the faint of heart, and definitely not for people who can't appreciate sarcasm. (Why are you reading this blog, by the way?) My favorite sports blog, because it captures the very essence of what sports means to sports fans - just because sports are supposed to be enjoyed, doesn't mean that sports are supposed to be cherished. Most professional athletes are dipshits, but some are actually pretty cool people and should be honored for that. Most sportswriters are incompetent, douchebags, or both, but some are actually all right and should be respected. Plus, the comments on the blog are funnier than the actual content.


7) Warm summer mornings
Come on, this has got to be the best time of the year! People actually go outside and do things, hot women wear less clothes than in the winter, there's lots of barbeques and beach outings, summer-y beverages (e.g., the margarita, which would be #8 if there were a #8), people are less asshole-y than when it's cold out, and there's always football season to look forward to. But summer mornings are the best -- it's not quite warm and humid, but the sun is warm, and the air feels like it has more oxygen in it than usual. Everything looks new on a warm summer morning. So my closing note to you frigging slackers is, get up early enough to enjoy it once or twice. You won't be disappointed.

Stay classy.