Guide to Long-Term Relationships: How to Date Someone for Several Years Without Wanting to Tandem Skydive with a Faulty Parachute

My girlfriend -- yes, I have a girlfriend! -- recently impressed a group of teenage girls by relaying the fact that she and I have been dating for over seven years. This was impressive to them since most relationships in your teen years rarely last for seven days, much less years. It occurred to me that this was a strange coincidence: not only was I still dating the same girl for this long, but we actually still like each other. Then it occurred to me that this could SO GO IN MY BLOG!

Thus, I present you with a few simple words of advice from someone who has, in fact, won at relationships. I'm going to split this up into "Guys" and "Dolls" sections, since although I have not experienced the female side of the relationship (my stint in federal prison notwithstanding), I feel confident in giving advice to women on what can ruin the relationship. For that matter, I feel confident giving advice to anyone on any topic, but I digress. Three tips for each gender, incoming.

DOLLS:
First of all, you have the distinct advantage of being the rare resource. Men will compete for your attention, and they will respond and notice when you give it. In terms of relationships, this can be a bad thing. Boyfriends know that if they've locked you up, there are at least three other people trying to pick that lock, and they might feel the need to.... install an alarm system... okay, this metaphor is getting away from me. The point is, boyfriends can get jealous very easily. You know when you're flirting with other guys, and so does your boyfriend. If said boyfriend is the jealous type (hint: he is), know your limits and know when to put an end to the eye-batting and the ass-grabbing and the pants groping.

Second: Learn to cook. I don't care if you think it's sexist. Honestly, learn to cook. You will be even more revered than you already are.

And finally: do you need to be such a harpy all the damn time? Let your boyfriend be stupid sometimes. Let him do things you think are silly. Let him be himself. I'm not saying date an idiot, but if he wants to goof off or just sit and watch TV or whatever, you don't need to be nagging him every three seconds. Trust me, back off a little and he'll be much more receptive to your "polite suggestions" in the future. Nobody wants to date a banshee.

GUYS:
Remember before how I said that you would need to install an alarm system on your girlfriend? The first line of defense is you. I'll say this, and it stands for relationships and for everything else in your life: BE AWESOME. Don't wait for some schmuck to come along and start doing charming things in front of your lady, YOU NEED TO BE THAT SCHMUCK. Is it so much to ask to put in a little time, bring her some goddamn flowers every now and then? Buy a fucking stuffed doll or something, the point is that you're thinking about her and doing nice things on your own. Luckily for us, most women have such low standards that a single flower every month or so is enough to keep her happy. Don't give her a reason to find Guy #2 more flattering.

Second: Learn to cook. No, I'm serious. Learn to cook something, anything. Cook her dinner a few times. You have no idea how much mileage this will buy you. Cook with her if she is also into cooking, it will give you something to bond over and talk about and spend quality time and all that stuff. I am one of those people who has a cooking disability (I once messed up mac & cheese), so I do the next best thing: I wash everything. And I mean everything: counters, oven, stove, mop floor, sink, fridge, every goddamn surface that is dusty or grimy, you need to clean. And not just in the kitchen. See that bathroom? That's your job now. And the living room with all your shit in it? And the garbage bags? All you.

And third, and this is the big one: CUT OUT THE EMO SHIT. If your girlfriend wanted to date a girl, she'd be a lesbian (and instantly a million times cooler). Grow a pair of balls and don't get your panties in a twist every time she goes out with her girlfriends or she talks about another guy who's cute or mentions her ex-boyfriend or whatever. Guys who flip shit at the drop of a hat are a chore, and you don't want to be a chore. You want to be a bedrock of cool, a pillar of stability, a solid anchor in a sea of retards. If she's the kind of girl who would spread eagle for another guy because she thought he was cute, then dump her ass now.

And that leads me to the final word of advice for both guys and dolls: Know when to pull the trigger. Your relationship should be a source of joy. Sure, you'll fight. Sure, you'll probably think about breaking up. But you need to decide every day whether or not you want to see this person. You need to crave their conversation and their presence and their goddamn quirks at the end of every day. If you feel like your relationship is depressing or hard work or a pain in the balls then break the hell up and go your separate ways.

As for me, it was quite a few years ago when I decided that I was in for the long haul. And it really is a conscious decision you make. You can't make it lightly, and you don't have to rush, because "long haul" doesn't have an expiration date. There should be no ultimatums, no pressure, no forced decisions. You just very naturally come to the realization that you are going to be with this person for a long time, you stop considering the "What if we break up?" scenarios, and you don't plan for a life without this person in it. You don't need to stop and ask yourself if you love someone, you just do.

Life really isn't that hard. You just need to take it easy.