A Love Note to New Jersey, Part 1

If living in Massachusetts has taught me anything over the past two years, it's that I love New Jersey*. (*NOTE: I may not love the Southwestern part of the state of New Jersey. Philadelphia can have that part of NJ, if you know what I'm saying.) This may strike some readers as a funny thing to say, for (at least) two reasons. One, it may be sort of strange to love any particular United State, because states are pieces of land with arbitrary, fuzzy borders and any attempt to label states as discrete "things" is stereotypic and stupid. Two, even if it's OK to love a United State, why the fuck would one ever choose to love New Jersey?

Well, I've come to the conclusion that it's perfectly okay to be proud of where you come from. Whether it's your home town, your home state, or your county (which is admittedly sorta weird), everyone needs some place to call "home". And after having moved out, and now that I know I'm moving back "home", I know that home is the place where I feel most comfortable. Home, for me, is New Jersey.

(*ASIDE: For those of you who laugh at the idea of loving New Jersey, please note the following. New Jersey residents have the second-highest per capita income of all the United States, as well as one of the longest life expectancies in the US. New Jersey has over 100 miles of pristine, syringe-free coastline; mountains and lakes for hiking; and the vibrant resorts of Atlantic City. New York City and Philadelphia can both be less than an hour away. Long Beach Island, in particular, may be the most beautiful place I've visited in my life (and I've been some beautiful places). In short, New Jersey is awesome, and if you don't like it, you should go fuck yourself with a red-hot poker and subsequently die of AIDS. Slowly. That is all.)

If you're one of those people who've been paying attention to the progression of what I've been typing over the years, you'll know that I haven't always loved New Jersey. In fact, as recently as 2007, I couldn't wait to get out. I was tired of the crowded places, the terrible drivers, the rude people, and the crappy weather. So naturally I moved to Massachusetts, a place with even more crowded places, even worse drivers, lots of Red Sox fans, and (at least for 10 months out of the year) the most terrible weather I've ever seen.

I was not a good decision maker in my youth, but I am a better decision maker now. For this reason, I will present to you my List of Reasons Why Moving Back to New Jersey Is A Fantastic Idea...

Reason #1. New Jersey is where my girlfriend lives, and I get to live with her, and there's going to be flutes playing and trombones and flowers and garlands of fresh herbs. And we will dance till the sun rises. And then our children will form a family band. And we will tour the countryside and you won't be invited.

Now that that's out of the way... ahem...

Reason #2. It hardly ever snows in New Jersey, and when it does snow, it's melted away in 1-2 days. New Jersey residents never have to navigate six-foot high snow piles in order to make turns on their daily commutes. Additionally, the weather can occasionally be "perfect" on any given day from April through October.

Reason #3. There are Wegman's grocery stores in New Jersey. In our apartment search, my girlfriend and I have been thinking about the "must-haves" -- you know, the things we absolutely need in our apartment. For instance, we definitely need a large kitchen, because we like to cook and to entertain. We also need a washer/dryer in our apartment, because we're not going to live like college kids at this stage of our lives. A third factor that is almost a must-have is proximity to a Wegman's grocery store. It's a grocery, a pharmacy, a full-service restaurant, a bakery, a coffee bar, and a neighborhood butcher shop, all rolled into one! Plus the lines are quick and everyone smiles. Wegman's is a god-damned happy-narium, and I will shed a single tear if I don't live close to one when I move back home.

Reason #4. I can wear my Yankees cap anywhere in New Jersey without the realistic fear of getting mugged by some pasty dude named Sully or Murph.

Reason #5. The beaches in New Jersey are underrated. If you can tolerate that the water almost never gets warm enough to allow swimming in the ocean (except maybe for a few weeks in early August), the beaches in New Jersey are otherwise almost perfect. Also, when the sun shines in the summertime, it's possible to get a real sun tan.

Last June, we had a heat wave in Massachusetts -- it was perhaps 95 degrees out, and my apartment (like almost every house up here) doesn't have central A/C. I spent one Saturday afternoon on my outside balcony, mostly to cool off but also expecting to get a tan because it was 95 degrees out. Except, it never happened. The sun was not strong enough to burn me. Now I must admit that I have studly, almost Mediterranean skin. But still, it's ridiculous that I couldn't get a suntan. Maybe that's why Murph and Sully get along so nicely up here...

Reason #6. I am aware of enough low-to-medium stakes poker games in New Jersey to allow poker to be an actual, part-time hobby again. You have no idea how much I'm looking forward to getting my non-Psychology-related hobbies back, now that I am leaving graduate school.

Reason #7. New Jersey drivers are terrible drivers, just like Massachusetts drivers are terrible drivers. The difference is, drivers in Massachusetts go about 10 mph faster, on average, than drivers in New Jersey. Also, the terrible drivers in New Jersey are actually from New York, which explains their erratic behavior.

Reason #8. The food in New Jersey is fantastic. The extreme ethnic diversity in New Jersey has its faults (see Reason #7, above). However, it also has its benefits, one of them being that no matter what kind of food you're craving on a particular night, you can get above-average food, that night, without having to drive someplace far. The major complaint that people from NJ who watch "Harold and Kumar Go To White Castle" have is not that it's a terrible movie (although it is a terrible movie), but that it's implausible -- no one from New Jersey would have to travel that far and endure that much to get the food they're craving. Harold and Kumar should have just driven to South Plainfield. They would have gotten their sliders, no problem.

Reason #9. You may say that you hate Guido douchebags, and you probably do hate Guido douchebags. But think about a world where all the Guido douchebags went away. What else would there be left to make fun of? Let's face it. You need Guido douchebags, and New Jersey, with its shoreline and close proximity to Staten Island, NY, is more than happy to provide them!

Reason #10. Just by getting back into the "New Jersey" mode, it's so much fun making fun of New York. I miss making fun of New York, but I feel like I'm getting back into a rhythm now...

Reason #11. I'm a little bit of a Momma's boy. There, I said it. I am looking forward to being closer to home, because I like having my close friends and even (some of) my family around. Now pardon me while I cry into a used tissue.

Reason #12. Jughandles fundamentally make sense and improve traffic flow. They keep stupid people from making rash decisions, which should be the ultimate goal of any police state.

Reason #13. New Jersey, compared to Massachusetts, has (a) more cops who are (b) less corrupt. At this stage of my life, it's comforting to live in a police state (Yes, NJ, comparatively speaking, is a police state) where people actually get pulled over for doing retarded things while driving. it makes me feel like the world is just.

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There's a Baker's Dozen of reasons for you. I probably have two or three dozen more ideas on deck, but I'm tired from writing 25 pages of a Stats assignment today. Just four more weeks and I don't have to be a student any more, woo hoo! Anyway, stay classy, and keep an eye out for Part 2 of my Love Note to New Jersey.