Facebook Party Fouls

Note to readers: I should be writing a grant proposal, but I'm writing this instead. I'm hoping that this exercise will motivate me to eventually write the proposal. That's the risky thing about spending a Saturday night at home, determined to get work done; there are other things that you could be doing, and if you don't actually get any work done, you feel doubly pissed. So here's hoping that -- in addition to this lovely blog post you're about to read -- I get some serious work done on my grant proposal tonight. On to the post...

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I like to distract myself at work, mainly because I'm a mediocre scholar and cannot focus on science for longer than 45 minutes at a clip. I like to read Deadspin, and the New York Times, and -- like most people I know -- I'm on Facebook 4 or 5 times a day (never for more than a few minutes), checking what my friends are up to. With my friends scattered across the country, and everyone so damned busy with their own lives that it's difficult to catch up in any meaningful way, I keep myself "in the loop" through Facebook. This has dozens of implications about lots of things, and I'll leave it to some reputable journalist to describe them.

What I want to focus on instead is how Facebook illustrates personality differences, particularly in the sense of some people being really fucking annoying. This is a touchy blog post to write, because (1) I'm sure I do some things that are really annoying, and other people are kind enough not to call me out on it (thanks, btw), and (2) I'm going to make some people uncomfortable because they're my Facebook friend and maybe I'm writing about them. Well, relax. Even if you were annoying me, it's not a big deal. And you're probably not annoying me. Or, maybe you are. Whatever.

Anyway, here goes...

Facebook Party Foul #1: Too much information. As a rule, if it's not something you don't want everyone who knows you, everyone who's ever known you, or everyone who's going to know you to know... don't post it on the Internet. It's amazing how often this rule is violated. People post all the time about their love life, their health problems... let's not even get into menstrual cycles. To make this point perfectly clear, the world will NEVER progress to a place where it is socially appropriate to scream on a crowded street about what your vomit looks like. So please don't write this shit on Facebook.

Facebook Party Foul #2: Friending everybody in the world. This point is somewhat controversial, because I've heard stories of people getting new jobs, etc., straight off of a social network that was huge. I understand this, and it's cool, but the bigger problem with having 1,349 Facebook friends is that there's no possible way you can know all of them. It's true; even the most talented social networkers have difficulty maintaining relationships with more than 150 people. And when one of these 1,349 "friends" of yours gets put on the Megan's Law list, you're going to be directly linked to a sexual predator on Facebook. Congratulations, enjoy the company that you keep.

This is why I don't accept friend requests from people I don't know well, and why I keep my friend list reasonably small. (It may also be because I know very, very few people, in general.) If I barely know someone, I don't really care how they're doing. Given this, what's the point of adding them on Facebook?

Facebook Party Foul #3: Questionable pictures. When I was an undergrad, I remember being asked by my boss (a 50+ year old male professor) to work with another, female student on a project. As if he were enticing me to take on the project, he told me to take a look at her "modeling" pictures on Facebook. Because I'm a jerk, of course I took a look at them... and these were no "modeling" pictures, my friend. No, these pictures were straight-up erotica. This was a moment of great moral change in my life (and the moment that I realized I was getting old), because I thought the professor was a scumbag and the girl was an idiot. And also, kinda hot.

But my point is that the girl was an idiot BECAUSE professors (and people in general) can be scumbags. If you wouldn't want your mother looking at a photo, get it off Facebook.

Facebook Party Foul #4: Updates up the ass. Try to keep your updates to, at maximum, 2-3 times a week. If I wanted to know how you felt each and every day of your life, you'd be one of my best friends or my girlfriend. The more frequently you post updates, the more frequently they show up on the homepages of people who really don't care about you. And then they get pissed off, and really want to give you something to complain about. >:-)

Facebook Party Foul #5: Sending lots of requests to people, asking them to join groups/pick flowers/save the whales/etc. My girlfriend works with people who send stupid chain letters to her. Some of these chain letters are patently ridiculous -- e.g., "Send this E-mail to 27 people by the end of today or you will DIE OF AIDS, and your left arm will fall off too!" -- and she tolerates this stupidity because she's a far nicer person than I will ever be. I'd reply back with a scathing E-mail that would invent new ways to call somebody retarded.

But that's not my point. My point is that, while Facebook add-ons and applications do often "reward" people for sending invitations to all their friends, these rewards are meaningless. This is because Facebook is not real, it's a technological-social convention. As a consequence, it's stupid to care about these "rewards", because in addition to the reward not helping you in any meaningful way, you're pissing off your Facebook friends by being just like that dipshit in your office who sends everyone a chain letter about getting AIDS. You see that dipshit? You know that dipshit? Don't *be* that dipshit.

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I close with a question to the Damaged, Inc., Universe. What grinds your gears about Facebook? "Being friends with Fred" is totally acceptable. Give 'em hell, and stay classy.