Those of you who’ve read my writing, especially recently,
know the ambivalence I felt toward becoming a father. I have always steered toward brutal, cold
honesty in answering the prying questions that people (sometimes people I don’t
even know that well) have asked me, and through years of not wanting any children
at all, I’m experienced (to the point of masochistically seeking the argument)
in handling questions related to my desire to never have any kids. But now that my daughter has been around for
several months, and is clearly a happy and healthy little Muppet, the annoying
questions have started to creep up again – specifically relating to when we’ll
be having ANOTHER child. When will I ever satisfy you people?!
The answer to this question is, never. I mean, don’t get me wrong, biologically my
wife and I might have another kid, but I’ll put it out there right now that
said child would be a goddamned mistake.
We’d cry, and not tears of joy, if we found out we were having another
kid. We’re using every possible form of
birth control right now, short of a vasectomy (which is imminent) – it’s not
even funny how badly we don’t want another child.
When I mention our only child path to other people, usually
in response to a question like “So when are you thinking of having the next
one?”, they look at me like I have six heads and wonder what kind of an awful
parent I must be. (One time, I was
actually told by someone that I must not be a good parent. I wish ass cancer upon that person.)
I find there’s a generational difference here, where
typically (but certainly not entirely) the strongest expectation of having
multiple children is held by older individuals.
The data seems to indicate this is a function of changing societal
norms; from 1991 to 2011, according to Census data, the percentage of families
with only one child has doubled from 10 to 20 percent of families with
children.
Anecdotally, most of the
adults I know who grew up without siblings did so because of a divorce among
their parents. So it’s reasonable to
assume that, especially for older folks, the perception of only-child families
is they are a sign of a weak or insecure marriage that is about to end. This appears to no longer be the case, and this is
definitely not the case for my wife and I.
Don’t get me wrong, if one of us woke up tomorrow and told the other
that we wanted like three more kids, we’d definitely end up getting divorced
over it. But assuming the status quo, our
marriage is perfectly strong, even with the occasional torment that is having a
child in their first year of life. I’m
fortunate to have a partner who shares my desire for a small-government,
libertarian view of the family future.
If you Google “having one child,” there are lots of helpful
results that pop up in the first few pages.
Many of them do a representatively good job of listing the pragmatic,
social, economic, and even environmental benefits of having only one
child. They’re also all (justifiably) a
bit defensive in their tone, as if the authors were all writing their posts in
rebuttal to dozens of silent critics.
In this strange world we live in, having two or three
children is considered normal, but having zero, one, or four (or more) is
considered, for some reason or another, wacky.
What is it about two or three kids that makes it so ostensibly
reasonable? I suppose there are perceived
benefits for the children – someone to lean on, someone to help when the
parents get old and die, hopefully friends for life. But some of the most well-adjusted,
successful, and happy people I know never had that – either because they’ve
never had strong relationships with their siblings, or because they never had siblings
in the first place. Indeed, scientific
research (led by work out of Rutgers University) seems to indicate that only
children do not differ from children with siblings in many (if any) meaningful
ways. There’s some weak evidence that
only children (and firstborns) tend to be more socially dominant, but even if
it’s a real effect, I’d argue that’s a good thing (especially for my daughter,
who I hope always speaks up for herself among others). Anyone who claims having only one child is
bad for the child is speaking in the language of pseudoscience.
***
All except one of the top Google results from the query
mentioned earlier appear to have been written by female authors. While the societal pressure mothers must feel
in all parenting decisions is probably greater than that felt by dads, I was
surprised that there were hardly any male perspectives on this issue. So I wanted to write a few paragraphs on my
thoughts regarding having only one child, why it helps the entire family, and
why other people should really shut the hell up about other people’s personal
life choices.
For me, and given what I value, having one, and only one,
child is awesome. At the time of this
writing, my daughter is between eight and nine months old, and she’s already
starting to exert her independence.
Earlier today, she sat up on her own and played with her toys for like
thirty minutes straight. Then when she
started fussing, I picked her up and laid her down next to me on the couch - a
college basketball game was on, which we watched together. At the time, I thought to myself, “Man, she’s
really acting more like a person these days.
I can’t wait to see the future, and I’m so glad I don’t have to go
through the newborn days again.” (If you
asked my wife, who did not like being pregnant one bit, she might tell you the
same thing about the human gestational period.)
I am thrilled to have the full human experience of raising a
child. I strive to be as involved in her
life, now and forever, as I possibly can be.
I’m fortunate to have a wife at home full-time (for now), and together
we work to create a home life for our daughter which is loving, secure, and
nurturing. It’s a fantastic experience,
every day is different – but a BIG part of my ability to get through this with sanity intact (because there are trying moments) is knowing that I'm only
going through it one time.
Having another child, to me, just feels counter-productive
to what I want to do in my life before I die.
I only get one pass at this, and old age comes before you know it. I’m lucky to have a creative and meaningful
career doing work that I love, and even luckier to have the flexibility to
travel a ton (both for business and pleasure).
If I were stuck with a young child for the next six years, my travel
goals would be postponed at least until my children were old enough to travel
with us. Travel is one of the most
important aspects of being alive to me.
I’d rather be dead than unable to see the world, and children
(especially in their first few years of life) are, let’s face it, burdensome
travel companions at best. I can’t wait
to travel with her when the time is right, but I find it personally
irresponsible and undesirable to take a child under the age of, say, ten
overseas for a two-week vacation.
And of course, each child carries a price tag – close to
$250,000, if you believe the most recent data.
Naturally, having a child is about more than dollars and cents, but I
definitely see the economic value in sticking with “only” one child. I hope my daughter can pick her desired
college (within reason) knowing that she won’t be burdened with extreme student
loan debt.
Having one child helps the entire family. Whenever we have a rough day, whenever I feel
like my daughter is being high-maintenance, nothing calms me down more than
realizing “This is just a day. This is
the only day you’ll have to go through this.
You’ll never have to go through it again.” Having a child has, in this one micro-sense,
made me slightly more Zen (which is a good thing). Having two or three of them, I know for a
fact, would drive me absolutely batshit bonkers.
***
This is all about me, my family, and what works best for
me. What works best for you is likely
completely different, and I wish you only the best along your path. Why can’t others wish the same for me? Why the stigma surrounding having one, and
only one, child?
The elderly gon’ act elderly, but I’d implore anyone who
reads this with an open mind to think twice before judging (at least out loud)
the life choices of other people. Having
one child is okay. Having like seven of them,
assuming you can afford the clothes and have the space, is also okay (though I’m
not sure we should ever hang out, or talk about the presence/absence of a
higher power). And also, having NO
children is totally okay! In fact, I
salute those of you who never want to have any children – we should plan an
around-the-world yacht tour for twenty years in the future. You’re keeping the world a greener place for
everyone else. The last thing the world
needs is more people. Yuck: people.
